Miracle Monday #13 Caity’s miracle story

Hide and seek

Healing is a process that takes time, sometimes we may feel like it’s time to stop feeling certain things. We wish there was an off switch to stop hurting when we think we should be “better”. The fact that life doesn’t work that way can bring more shame into the picture, and a crippling sense of weakness tells us no one could ever understand, forgive, help or empathize with us.
I was there...
For about a month I was overwhelmed with pain from my past, I was frustrated, embarrassed and ashamed of the fact that I wasn’t “over it” the way I thought I should be. If God had already offered me freedom then why was I still hurting this way?
I didn’t want to admit it, but the pain from my past wasn’t as simple as I “wanted” it to be. I didn’t want to admit the fact that I had experienced trauma, the stigma of the word was the last thing I wanted to be connected with, the last thing I wanted was to be seen as a leader that hadn’t fully experienced healing due to shame.
But then God made his pursuit of me even more visible.
Two weeks before Easter I found myself playing hide and seek with God, running from a reality I didn’t want to accept. At a counseling session that week was the first time the word “trauma” was used to describe what I had been through, I didn’t really pay too much attention to it, I couldn’t imagine classifying what I had been through as trauma.
Later that week I was at church serving in the youth ministry, I hadn’t really shared with anyone what I was going through. That night the pastor spoke about trauma and actually asked if anyone needed prayer for this, I knew I did, but in the end was too ashamed to ask for prayer and went home more frustrated and more ashamed.
On Sunday I woke up off, I was struggling with my emotions and insecurities, I felt like I had nothing to offer. I was leading worship that day and even sang a worship song I had written. Before getting up on the stage I prayed and just told the Lord how I felt, how I wasn’t even sure if I believed in what I was singing. I wasn’t feeling what you “should” feel when in a moment of worship, I didn’t feel close to God, and worst of all I didn’t feel honest.
What made it all worse was the fact that people came up to me after the service saying they had really felt the words I was singing, how through my “worship leading” they had felt the connection to God I was so craving. To top it all off, the pastor spoke about trauma, needless to say I was in disbelief.
I knew I needed to stop running and ask for help, after the service I told my fiancé and two close friends that I desperately needed prayer.
We went to my friend’s house and I told them the things I was feeling, all the thoughts and insecurities going through my mind and most of all the shame keeping me from fully experiencing and keeping me from living in the freedom God offers me.
My friends and fiancé prayed for me, in no moment did they judge me the way I was fearing. While they prayed my friend Sam hugged me, and when he did I was so overwhelmed and began to cry. It felt like I was being hugged by Jesus, it’s hard to explain but I just felt like I was elsewhere being held by Jesus, as I cried I could feel the pressure leaving my body and the weight falling off my heart, to my surprise Sam began to cry as well, but not a “normal” amount of crying, it was almost like he was feeling my pain and was hurting just as much as me, as he held me I could feel his tears running down my back, it was so powerful. I had never felt so understood, and in that moment I didn’t feel alone, I felt like finally someone empathized with me.
After they prayed for me, I looked up but was surprised to see that my friend’s face wasn’t marked by the extreme crying I had felt coming from him... I was confused, and when I got in the car with my fiancé I asked if he remembered seeing if Sam had cried and he said he couldn’t tell.
I was so confused because there was no way anyone could have missed that intense amount of crying. Later that day we met up with these same friends at a party. I felt a pull on my heart to ask if he had cried the way I thought, it was almost like God was trying to show me something, but once again insecurity was keeping me from seeing what He wanted me to see. When we had a second to chat I asked my friend if he had cried like I thought, to my surprise he said he hadn’t cried at all.
We all looked at each other and in that moment I knew that I had felt the Lord crying for me and over my pain.
I had won the game of hide and seek, not by staying hidden but by being found in Christ. I felt loved, seen and understood. The freedom I wanted so badly to experience was finally there and it felt amazing.
If you remember nothing else from my story, I pray that you’d remember that Jesus feels your pain with you, you are not alone in feeling unseen or unheard. The only way to win hide and seek with God is by being found.
My name is Caity Curry and this is one of my miracle stories.

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