Miracle Monday: Yes, There is Another Chance

I was at the crossroads moment in my life…Take more drugs or die.  I had already been to treatment, not once but twice.  Here I was AGAIN craving another “hit”, another “high”.  With every relapse my mental state deteriorated more and more.  I kept choosing drugs and alcohol over all the gifts and blessings that God wanted to give me.  I was continually devastating my family.  

Growing up (and even to this day) I felt “different”, out of place and like I just didn’t quite “fit”.  I don’t even know when that seed of rejection was planted, I just knew something was wrong with me.  Isn’t that the lie of the enemy in the heart and mind that plays such a wicked trick on us?

There was such an emptiness that I needed to fill, and instead of filling it with faith in Jesus, I discovered drugs, an eating disorder, alcohol – anything that would numb the emotional pain and silence the voices that told me “You’re not enough”.
 
I actually thought I could control my drug and alcohol use, I thought I could control my body by starving it (or binge eating and vomiting).  Until….I couldn’t.  I was caught in the trap and the only way out was continue to dig deeper DOWN or give up and die.

I had seen psychiatrists and doctors who were quite liberal and loose-handed in passing out pills and prescribing opiates.  At first, I was hooked on “legal” pills.  When I tried to go off the pills, it was if my brain was playing tricks on me, I couldn’t think or concentrate.

I went to a facility in Arizona for my eating disorder.  Immediately after my “graduation” from treatment, I relapsed.  I was empty inside.  What a failure. I distanced myself from my family even more, and from God.

I was working full time, and met a group of friends who used really hard drugs.  One night we were partying, and here comes this person with a needle full of heroine.  I always thought I would never go that far, but that night I was totally OK with it and went along.  I let this guy put the needle in my arm.  I was hooked immediately, using almost daily and heavily for close to four months.

Of course, my job didn’t pay enough to support my new-found habit, so I began stealing…from the ones who loved me…my family.  I was lying to Tim, my boyfriend at the time.  I was doing shameful things to get drugs.
 
I drugged, drank and starved myself to an emaciated state of 90 pounds; like something out of “The Walking Dead”.  I don’t know how many times I almost over-dosed. One night in September of 2017, a relative of mine who worked in law enforcement, told my family that people were over-dosing and dying from a highly deadly batch of heroine that had made it’s way into the Gallatin Valley.

My sister and Tim physically picked me up and took me to Great Falls for detox and treatment.  I was furious with them, but that action on their part saved my life.
 
I faked my way through most of rehab treatment, and towards the end did start to take it seriously.  After in-patient treatment I went to “Sober Living”, a clean-living group home where they do weekly drug tests, breathalyzers, AA and NA meetings, and don’t allow for any eating disorder behaviors.  I didn’t like the strict accountability, so I moved out after a few months, and moved back in with my family.  Even after all that I put them through and the pain I caused…I still wanted to drink, I still wanted drugs, I still thought I could control my anorexia.

I moved out again.  I couldn’t get drugs as consistently as I was able to before, so I started drinking heavily, and using drugs as I could get them.  That became the existence of my life – Chasing one numbing high after another.  The year before I was destroying my physical body, this time around my metal state was plummeting in a downward spiral.  I lived desperately to escape from reality and the consequences of my own choices.  Tim was sick and tired of waiting for me, “Choose me or I’m done”.

I was out of drugs and Timmy was gone.  Over and over, I failed the ones who loved me and tried to help me.  Why did I keep throwing their kindness back in their face?  Why did I keep spitting at the grace and mercy that God was extending?  This impending doom became so real. I had lost EVERYTHING, and it was my fault.

All I could do, lying on the kitchen floor was cry out to God, “Save me from myself”.
Once more I called my dad “Daddy, please come get me”.  
What a picture of our heavenly Father, as dad came once again to my rescue.  Dad held me, told me how much he and mom loved me, and that God had never left me – He was waiting for me to come back to Him.  “There is another chance.”

I don’t know what the number of “chance” this was…I had far surpassed the second, third, fourth and even fifth.  I made the decision to move back home with my parents and take sobriety seriously, and day by day say “No” to drugs and alcohol and “Yes” to God’s plan for my life.

That was 2 ½ years ago.
 
Today, addict is not what defines me.  I am blessed to be the wife to Tim, a mom to a baby girl arriving in January, a daughter, a sister and a friend.  Most importantly I am a child of God.
If you remember nothing else from my story, know this “NOTHING can separate me from God’s love”, Not even me.

My name is Jaynee, and this is just one of my miracle stories.

Romans 8:38 & 39 (NLT)
“I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

2 Comments


Doris - November 23rd, 2021 at 7:46pm

Thank you for sharing your story. You are a beautiful person and I am glad to know you.

Kelli Cross-Boster - November 26th, 2021 at 4:45pm

I'm so proud of you and the obstacles you've overcome. I pray your story will help others.

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